


Primal Instincts

by SPDStrife



Series: Dragon Ball Outtakes [1]
Category: Dbs - Fandom, Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Super
Genre: Destruction, Drugs, Food, Gen, Outer Space, Planet Destruction, Planets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-15 23:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21261398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPDStrife/pseuds/SPDStrife
Summary: Lord Beerus, God of Destruction of Universe Seven, Divine Being of the Highest Order, Benevolent Power in the Cosmos, and, a cat. How much of a cat? Time to find out by exposing him to a certain cat-specific substance.





	Primal Instincts

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first public fic! Written purely for fun. I hope you all enjoy!

Lord Beerus, God of Destruction of Universe Seven, Divine Being of the Highest Order, Benevolent Power in the Cosmos, and, a cat.

“Bulma, my dear, Lord Beerus has requested another decadent Earth meal.”

Bulma hadn’t noticed Whis appear, then again, she rarely does.

“Oh hi Whis! Let me see what I can whip up!”

She was in the middle of working on the latest and greatest Capsule Corp. innovations, but she couldn’t risk dancing with Beerus’s explosive temper. Bulma made her way to the kitchen and scavenged in the pantry for something that Beerus had yet to taste. From behind her she heard the unmistakable tip-tap of the cat Trunks had gotten for his birthday this year.

“Hey little buddy. Want a treat?”

A reaffirming purr came from the fluffy creature. She reached up to the top of the pantry and grabbed some cat nip. With a generous portion sprinkled in front of the cat, she went to put the box away.

Suddenly, an idea hit her like a sack of bricks.

“Say, Whis, would Beerus be interested in a special bowl of ramen? I guarantee he hasn’t had anything like this before.”

“Hm.” Thought Whis. “Lord Beerus does love his ramen. I suppose that shall do if you believe it will sufficiently wow his picky palate.”

With a smirk, Bulma prepared three bowls of ramen complete with tofu, chives, mushroom, soft poached egg, and in one special bowl, a healthy dose of cat nip.

“Three bowls? Will you be accompanying us for dinner my dear Bulma?”

“I thought it would be nice to catch up since we haven’t seen each other much after the Tournament of Power!” said Bulma gleefully.

“That sounds simply lovely. Off we go!”

With that, Whis transported them to Beerus. They were met with a familiar sight: Goku doing something stupid and Beerus ready to kill him for it. 

“I thought that cats didn’t wear pants though?” Goku said, scratching his head like the monkey he is.

“I’M NOT A CAT, I’M A GOD YOU IMBECILE.” Shouted Beerus, about to blow a vein from yelling.

“Now, now you two, settle down. It’s time for dinner my lord.” 

The simple mention of food set off fireworks in Goku’s eyes.

“Did you bring any for me?”

“Sorry Goku, I didn’t know you’d be here.” Bulma said, not really sorry.

“Awh, well maybe Chi Chi will cook for me! See ya!” And with that, he used Instant Transmission to disappear.

With Goku gone and Beerus calming down, Bulma was looking forward to a nice meal with her friend Whis. Not to mention seeing if Beerus will react to her secret surprise.

“Alright Bulma, what did you bring me today?” Asked Beerus, still grumbling from his encounter with Goku.

“Welllll,” She began to reconsider her plan. Maybe messing with a literal God of Destruction in a bad mood wasn’t the best idea. “I brought some extra special ramen! I know it’s nothing new, but I added a special ingredient to this ramen to make sure it would impress your taste buds.”

She tried to smile as natural as possible. Act Natural. Act Natural. Act Natural.

“Excellent!” Shouted Beerus. “I’ve been craving some of your ramen Bulma.”

She let out a sigh of relief. Maybe she could pull this off after all. Whis set the table and Bulma gave everyone their dishes. She took a moment to appreciate her surroundings. It’s not every day that you get to have dinner with a god and an angel overlooking a beautiful cliffside.

“What is this!?”

Her heart stopped. Had Beerus discovered the cat nip?

“I –“ 

Beerus cut her off. “This. Is. INCREDIBLE!”

She turned to look at the often-disgruntled cat-like god and he was ravenously devouring the bowl of ramen in front of him. He had completely abandoned his chopsticks and was simply pouring the bowl directly into his mouth like a man trapped in the desert that just found water.

“Where are your manners my lord?”

Whis scolded Beerus for his poor table manners as he ate the ramen a single noodle at a time. Not a second later Beerus let out a literally earth-shakingly powerful burp that knocked both Whis and Bulma out of their seats.

Bulma picked herself up and looked at Beerus dead in the eyes, ready to rip him a new one for what he just let out. But she stopped herself once she saw his face. He looked relaxed, almost high even.

“Are you alright my lord?” Asked Whis who had noticed the same thing.

“Heheheheheheh.” Chuckled Beerus. “Whis, I wanna destroy a planet.”

Whis gave a quizzical look to Beerus and answered “Okay. Did you have a planet in mind?”

The God of Destruction then burst out laughing. Between chuckles he managed to get out a few words. The only decipherable ones were short, men, butts, and face.

At this point Bulma understood what was happening and was now trying to contain her laughter. Whis on the other hand had no idea what was going on and was visibly confused.

“Er, you want to destroy the planet of the Flatufaces?”

“Kekeke, yessssss.”

Whis sighed. “Very well, my lord.”

A single tap of his staff and they were all on the way to Planet Fargodia, home of the Flatufaces. The Flatufaces were an unfortunate race of creatures that had very puffy cheeks that resembled butt cheeks and their speech sounded very close to farts as a result of this deformity.

“Are we thereeeee yeeeet?” Asked Beerus ten seconds into the journey.

“Almost, my lord.” 

Whis had many days with Beerus that were challenging but he sensed today would be the biggest challenge yet.

After a few more seconds they arrived at Planet Fargodia. 

“We have arrived, Lord Beerus.” Sighed Whis.

“’We have arrived blah blah blah’ Don’t be so formal all the time Whis. Sheesh.” Muttered Beerus.

Beerus took one look at the planet and immediately started crying.

“It’s just so sad, they fart when they talk.” He blubbered through his tears.

Whis looked at Bulma with a face that said, “I know you did this.”

She just smiled and gave Whis a thumbs up that said, “Yes I did, and I have no regrets.”

In the background Beerus continued his crying and lamenting about the sadness of existing as a Flatuface. Seriously, he wouldn’t shut up about them for fifteen minutes. Finally, though, he composed himself enough to begin the destruction of the planet.

He pointed his finger toward the planet and charged a ball of ki at the tip of his finger. Unfortunately, he could not control his giggling and he released the ki blast out into the void of space. 

“Perhaps you should postpone this destruction until after you’ve had a nap Lord Beerus.” Said Whis, trying to stop him from accidentally destroying other planets in the process.

“Why don’t you mind your business, blue boy, pffffft.” Said Beerus, all while gesturing wildly and releasing ki blasts into the void.

Stuttering and flustered Whis replies “YesmylordofcourseI’msorryforsuggestingthat.”

Beerus turns again to the planet, this time charging a larger ki blast to keep from missing. He lets it loose and it appears that his ki blast is drunk as well as it wildly flies around in space until finally meeting its target and utterly obliterating it.

“Hehehe, butt faces.”

Whis literally slaps his own face out of pure annoyance. His moment of solace is rudely interrupted by Beerus’s crashing voice.

“OH MY GOD BULMA DO YOU HAVE ANY EARTH DORITOS™?”

“Uhhhh, not on me but we could get some back at earth.” She says, about to lose her composure completely.

“Get on it Whis!”

Whis sighs. “Yes, my lord.”

Once again a tap of Whis’s staff and they are on the way back to Earth. A short 15 second ride later and they have landed on Earth in front of a corner convenience store. 

“Just wait here Beerus, I’ll get you some Doritos™.” Bulma let out as she entered the store.

Once inside she finally let herself bust out laughing as she walked the aisles of the store, getting some strange looks from the patrons inside. Bulma found the largest bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos™ that she could find and bought two of them. She emerged from the doors of the shop to find Beerus on all fours, hissing at an alley cat that had shown up next to the building. Whis had his eyes closed and was humming a melody to soothe himself.

After gathering herself, Bulma said “Oh Beerus, I have your Doritos™.”

He immediately snapped out of his feral hissing match and ripped open the family sized bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos™. The cat-like god eyed the contents and after a moment of contemplation dumped the entire first bag down his throat, chomping as the Nacho Cheese Doritos™ tumbled into his mouth. Nacho Cheese Dorito™ crumbs flew into the air at an alarming speed. Any passersby would have been pelted with artificially flavored shrapnel.

Whis opened a single eye to survey the situation and whispered a solitary “Fuck” to himself.

Beerus opened the second family sized bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos™ and instead of pouring them into his open mouth, he reared his ears back and shoved his entire head into the bag. Muffled chomps and grunts came from what was left of the opening and chunks of half eaten Nacho Cheese Doritos™ somehow still flew out of the bag at a ridiculous rate.

Finally, after consuming several thousand calories of Nacho Cheese Doritos™, Beerus began to tire. His movement swayed and he yawned for an entire minute. He curled up next to a dumpster behind the convenience store and passed out, snoring and covered head to toe in Nacho Cheese Dorito™ crumbs.

“Well that was fun, wouldn’t you say Whis?” Said Bulma, still giggling from the previous events.

Whis took one look at Beerus and responded,

“I’m never letting you fucking cook for him again.”


End file.
